She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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