dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
