I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize