You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
