2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize