dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
