I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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