I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
They are going to name an STD after you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
