the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
