True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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