This is not my ceiling
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
