there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We got so high we made milksteak
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
