Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
