It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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