i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
