hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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