i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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