gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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