apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
