why didn't you poke me back
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
