Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
