She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
