He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She tied me up with her honor cords...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
