Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize