You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
