I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
