um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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