Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
