Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
