My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I smell like Dick and happiness
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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