im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so let's talk penis.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My penis needs a shock collar
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
