Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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