the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
