Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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