life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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