Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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