I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
