I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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