So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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