I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
