2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
