Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
