smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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