i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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