I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just threw up on my dentist
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
