Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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