Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
