There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
