I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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