The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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