my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
