this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
