Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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