So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
