Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
