Who did Billy Mays play for?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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