Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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