walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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