you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
