Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize