If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
